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Lord Roberts Hotel

Well this, the second official review, is almost exactly a month late. To be honest, this is because I'm the laziest man alive, but what I'd like to say is that I was too traumatized by the experience to discuss it before now. What's more, this place was my suggestion, so now everyone in the club thinks that I just wanted to go there because it's close to my work. I'm going to butt out of the venue suggestion process for a while.

I actually proposed the Lord Roberts Hotel because of a previous positive experience. If you'll bear with me, I'd like to narrate that experience first in order to (a) justify my choice; and (b) lessen the chance of the Lord Roberts suing me for what is to come. So if you're sitting comfortably then let's begin.

I was there with some workmates and, after discovering that the cocktail bar was open, decided to indulge myself with that king of beverages the purpose of this forum it is to discuss. The barmaid⁽¹⁾ took my order very seriously and began a mixing process which in my many martini-drinking escapades I had never come across. Essentially, it began with a throw-away of Noilly Prat⁽²⁾ vermouth in the shaker. Then fresh ice and Bombay Sapphire gin were added, and the nascent martini poured repeatedly through a strainer into a large tumbler and back into the shaker. Unfortunately a pre-serving taste by the creator (a nice touch that), indicated that the vermouth was off, and the whole process had to start again. What's more that was the last of the Noilly Prat, so I had to settle for Cinzano Extra Dry. In all, however, this martini was worth waiting for. Well balanced, ice cold, and very enjoyable. What's more, the barmaid confided in me that when Baz Luhrmann (who lives just a couple of blocks away) is in town, he likes to drop by for a dry martini with a twist.

And now we come to the tragic bit (Ah hum. Ah hum.): The official review visit did not live up to this experience in any way.

The cocktail bar was basically deserted, and staffed by two girls, one of whom had never been behind a cocktail bar in her life. The other was trying desperately to fill our orders and teach her partner how to do her job. She earned my sympathy, and points for effort, but in this harsh world of hospitality criticism I'm afraid I'm going to have to tear her martini to pieces. The method was a fairly classic throw-away of Cinzano Extra Dry in the glasses, then Bombay Sapphire and ice in a large glass stirred with a bar spoon. So far, so good, but the gin must have been at room temperature because the resulting drink was barely cold, and diluted beyond recognition. Now I know why James Bond is such a hard case — you'd have to be to drink martinis like this regularly.

After a little gentle instruction from Steve, the second round was a lot better. I'd say "acceptable", but not "good". Something like what you might make for yourself at the end of a long night when you're far too drunk to prepare or imbibe such a refined, subtle, and potent beverage but also too drunk to know better.

We also ate dinner, which was similarly variable. My steak was good, but the bun on Steve's burger was stale. The "fancy" martini and dirty martini reviewers also challenged their taste-buds here, but I'll leave them to speak for themselves in the comments. In all, a disappointment, but good company and the experience of trying new places makes up for a lot.

The Martini

Ranging from watery and barely drinkable to the dizzying heights of uninspiring and barely passable. Stick with the beer, or have someone else test the waters to see if the staff on the bar have it together.

The Bar

Not a bad place for an after-work drink or a bite to eat. The range of beer is good and with several rooms, three bars, pool tables, the cocktail lounge, and a rooftop terrace, this place is bound to appeal to most tastes — except that of the hardened martini-chaser.

Apparently Smithers has some photographs which he will be sending through once he's finished chasing all the terrorists away from the Commonwealth Games. I'll update this review when they arrive.

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Footnotes

1. Is it still PC to say "barmaid"? Do we perhaps prefer barista, baristessa, or (heaven forbid) mixologist? (back)
2. Many claim this is the vermouth to use for a dry martini. Some also insist that you pronounce it like a Frenchman. Ha! (back)